


'Cause you were never mine

by fleurjaune



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, I'm Sorry, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, and he does, but like canon levels on nathalie's side?, but not enough, gabriel should feel bad, not the unrequited part, suicide adjacent, that much is definite, well implied anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25573504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurjaune/pseuds/fleurjaune
Summary: After the fallout from Ladybug and Chat Noir discovering just who Hawkmoth and Mayura are settles down Marinette's able to save Emilie Agreste using knowledge the Guardian left her. Only Emilie isn't the only one suffering from using the broken Peacock Miraculous, and it turns out there's a vital difference between her and Nathalie when it comes to saving them.
Relationships: Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/Nathalie Sancoeur, except not - Relationship
Comments: 24
Kudos: 60





	'Cause you were never mine

Marinette’s the one who found Nathalie sat on the floor, leaning on the wall of the Agrestes’ entrance hall, while Adrien and his father were upstairs waiting for the potion to take effect on Emilie.

Even now she knew the truth about Hawkmoth she didn’t pretend to understand the all the relationships in this house. So even if it seemed odd that Nathalie wouldn’t want to watch Emilie’s revival, she supposed she understood wanting to give the Agrestes’ their privacy. After all that’s why Marinette was on the stairs herself rather than in the bedroom upstairs. Still. It was a strange place to sit and wait.

“Are you ok?” She asked cautiously. Logically she knew Adrien’s father was the driving force behind everything but it’s just as difficult calmly to trust the former Mayura not to attack as it is with him. It might have even been harder, since Mayura fought more physically, and she’s spent plenty of time now speaking with Mr. Agreste about what he knew about the Peacock Miraculous, and his attempts to fix it when she was coming up with the restorative potions.

“Just getting my breath back.” Nathalie said, making a move to get up but abandoning it when it triggered a new coughing fit. When she managed to stop coughing she continued, “I’m heading home, or trying to anyway.”

Marinette eyed the blood on the hand Nathalie’d been covering her mouth with. “Is that a good idea? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you stayed here.”

“It’ll be fine. I’ve been dealing with the effects of Peacock for months now.”

It felt like the floor had dropped away beneath her as she realised what a colossal idiot she’d been. She gasped, “I’m so sorry!”

“For what?” Nathalie asked

“You need the cure too, and I only brought enough for Adrien’s mother.”

“Oh. That.” Nathalie sighed, “That’s fine, I know you probably have limited ingredients, and Emilie’s the priority here.”

“Still. It won’t take me long to have it ready. I’ve got most of it, but I could probably come by later tonight if you let me know where you live.”

“Do you have a piece of paper?” Nathalie said. “I’ll write down my address for you. Actually, I’ve a balcony, I’ll draw out which one’s mine on the building if you want to come as Ladybug.”

“Um, no problem.” Marinette said pulling out one of her sketchpads from her bag and giving it to Nathalie with a pen. The women winced slightly as she shifted so she could balance the sketchpad on her lap, and Marinette couldn’t help herself, “Are you _sure_ you’ll be able to get home?”

“I think I might ask Alain for a lift,” Nathalie said. At Marinette’s confusion she clarified, “I believe Adrien calls him the Gorilla? I don’t think any of the Agrestes are going to be going out in the next hour or so, do you?”

“I guess not.” Marinette agreed but she still didn’t feel comfortable with the situation, not when it’s at least partly her fault. She didn’t know how she’d forgotten Nathalie was dying too. Especially when if she hadn’t they’d never had found out what was going on. “I’d better get home myself then and make it up for you.”

* * *

Thankfully Nathalie’s apartment is easy to find as Ladybug. She’s left the balcony door ajar just as she promised, and it makes it simple for Marinette to slip inside and find Nathalie on the couch.

It’s odd seeing the older women in what’s either loungewear or pyjamas rather than the suit she’s used to seeing, but she supposed it should have been obvious that she’d want to be comfortable. 

“Do you have it then?” Nathalie asked her, clearly not wanting to wait around. Marinette can’t blame her.

She gets ready to explain, taking the sealed bottle of blue potion out of her bag. “So, it’s mostly made up, but you have to add the final ingredient.”

“What’s that?” 

“It’s a bit gruesome but you have to add two drops of blood from someone that loves you. I’ve got a syringe so we can measure it properly. That is if you if want me to come with you to explain. I understand if you think Ladybug might make it hard to keep Mayura a secret.”

“Isn’t there any alternative?”

Something in her voice made Marinette look up, and at the barely restrained panic on Nathalie’s face, she realised suddenly that there’s no photos around of Nathalie with _anyone_ never mind a prospective romantic partner. Which made sense given Mayura would have been a pretty tough thing to hide, and Nathalie and Adrien’s father had claimed no one else knew about it.

She rushed to reassure her, “It doesn’t have to be romantic love, familial love works just as well.” There weren’t any family photos around either so she didn’t know if Nathalie had any siblings or cousins, but “Your parents would be fine.”

“Right.” Nathalie nodded. “Any kind of love. I see. And that _is_ the only thing that can finish this potion. It won’t work without it?”

“It won’t.” Unsure about how to say it without sounding prying or insulting she continued. “Will that be a problem? Do you need help with transport to get anywhere?”

For a moment Marinette thought Nathalie had laughed but then she realised she was coughing again. She moved towards her as if to offer some sort of help, even if she had no idea what to do, but Nathalie waved her away.

“I’ll deal with it myself.” Nathalie said once the coughing had stopped. “You shouldn’t need to worry yourself about me.”

“Are you sure?” Marinette found herself asking again. She didn’t know Nathalie at all but there already seemed to be a pattern in their conversations and she didn’t like it.

“I understand what needs to done.” Nathalie said. “There’s nothing more you can do for me now.”

* * *

There’s a hint of trepidation on Marinette’s face when Nathalie’s sick leave cover lets her in the door, and Gabriel leaves the Atelier to greet her by himself.

“Adrien’s upstairs with his mother.” He explained “I’ll take you up to them.”

The relief on her face is immediate. He supposed he can’t blame her for being nervous around him. This isn’t how he’d expected things to end up either.

“Thank you.” She said, but she still doesn’t quite seem settled. As they started to head up the stairs her eyes followed his replacement assistant as she headed back into the Atelier and her confusion is obvious even to Gabriel. 

“Nathalie’s taken some time off to recover.” He explained, “God knows she’s earned it.”

He’s not prepared for the immediate concern on her face. “Is she not better yet?”

A sense of unease started to fill him. He’d assumed Nathalie’s recovery would be as slow as Emilie’s is. Not least because Nathalie had been getting progressively worse before she’d suddenly asked for a week off. Yet Marinette’s reaction suggests otherwise, and if Nathalie had made the same assumptions he had then maybe she wouldn’t have realised if something had gone wrong. “ _Should_ she be?”

“She should be much better than she was, but I guess she was pretty bad when I gave it to her. Have you seen her since? Maybe I should go check on her.”

Her innocent query stabbed at him. After everything Nathalie had done for him and his family he hadn’t even thought about going on check on her. He’s had Emilie to look after, and work to catch up on, and Nathalie had told him not to worry but none of that’s any real excuse.

“Checking on her seems like a good idea. We could go after you’ve checked on Emilie.” He said.

“Could we? I just know I should have helped her finish the potion.”

Gabriel stopped. “What do you mean finish the potion? You did all of it for Emilie, why did Nathalie need to finish the potion?”

He’s not proud at how Marinette recoiled back from him. Her words came out in a rush. “I couldn’t! The final ingredient is blood from someone who loves you. It doesn’t have to be romantic love-I used Adrien’s for your wife. I asked if she needed my help to explain to anyone what she needed but she said she’d deal with it.”

He tried to stay calm. “What _exactly_ did you tell her?”

“I told her exactly how much to add!”

That’s not really what he’s concerned about. “She didn’t have questions about who it could be?”

“Oh,” Marinette bit her lip. “She did look worried when I told her about it, so I guess she doesn’t have a boyfriend or anything, but when I explained that it could be familial love, like her parents or siblings, she said she’d do it by herself.”

Hearing her say that felt worse than any hit he’s received as Hawkmoth. He wanted to tell himself than Nathalie wouldn’t keep this from him, but she’s so undemanding that he can’t pretend that it doesn’t seem possible that maybe she would. Maybe she wouldn’t want to make anyone feel obliged to watch her death.

It might already be too late he realised and he grabbed Marinette by the arm and pulled her back down the stairs. “We’re going now.”

“What?”

“Nathalie’s mother’s died of cancer a few years ago, and she’s never met her father.” He explained.

Marinette’s eyes widened. “Why didn’t she say anything?”

* * *

There’s no response to their knocks. Eventually they give up, and Marinette volunteered to go back to the street outside to transform and force the balcony door open.

While he waited he wished he still had his own Miraculous, but that was the price he’d had to pay for Emilie’s revival.

When Marinette opens the door to him his heart drops to his feet at the crestfallen look on her face.

“Are we too late?”

“She’s alive, but” She sighed. “It doesn’t look good.”

* * *

What he’d expected to see he didn’t know, but he found himself oddly unsurprised at the slight of Nathalie curled up in her bed, looking pale and feverish.

Her eyes are shut, and if not for the trail of blood leaking out from her mouth he could almost believe that she was sleeping off a normal bout of flu.

She looked pitiable. She wouldn’t like that.

Grimacing as he sat down on the damp sheets he grabbed a tissue from the box of her bedside table carefully avoiding the various bloody ones lying on there, and tried to rub the blood away. 

Nathalie whimpered in what he assumed was pain, and turned her head away, so he let his hand fall to his side.

“Is there anything that can be done?” he asked Marinette despite knowing what her answer had to be.

“Can you think of anyone we could possibly ask?” She answered with a question of her own. “I’m guessing she doesn’t have any siblings from what you said, but is there an aunt or cousin or anybody that might work?”

He doesn’t know. He’d never pried into Nathalie’s life outside her work for him. He knew about her mother’s illness and death mainly because of the time she’d taken off for it. She’d admitted about her father after that.

Still he’s doubtful that there’s anyone. Nathalie would know her own family, and if there was anyone that fitted the bill then she wouldn’t be like this. 

He shakes his head.

“There must be someone,” Marinette said looking frantic, “there can’t be no-one.”

Ironic that the girl had maintained her faith in the world through all the akumas he unleashed only to have it tested now.

“Perhaps a friend?” He offered.

Marinette looked more hopeful than he felt. “That might work if they were close enough. Do you know who her best friend is?”

Her juvenile phrasing reminds him he’s talking to a teenager.

“I don’t know.” He admitted. “She goes to a martial arts class, and I believe she’s still in contact with some women she used to rent with, but I don’t know that she’s particularly close to anyone.”

Marinette’s face fell again. Even if they went through everyone in Nathalie’s phone, and could somehow convince them to donate blood he wasn’t sure Nathalie had the time left for that. She looked as bad as Emilie did just before she fully lost consciousness, and Emilie had had everything medical science could give her while Nathalie’s had an empty apartment and paracetamol from the looks of the empty boxes strewn around.

“What about you?” Marinette asked.

“Me?” He responded unable to keep his disbelief out of his voice, when it seemed obvious that wasn’t an option.

“I’m not accusing you of anything! I know you love your wife.” She hurried out, “but if we’re looking for her closest friends, shouldn’t we be starting with you? You must really trusted her to ask for her help as Hawkmoth.”

That was one way of putting things. He’d also been desperate and used to relying on Nathalie, and she’d already been aware of what had happened with Emilie, and would have worked it all out anyway.

It seemed unlikely to work, but then nothing else seemed likely to work either, and he owed it to Nathalie to try.

“You can try if you want.” He told Marinette. “But I doubt it’ll work.”

* * *

Marinette dropped the blood into a small test section of the potion. It fizzed and changed from blue to a pale heather but it’s nothing like the deep violet Emilie’s potion had been.

It hadn’t worked.

It wasn’t a surprise. Not really. Nathalie was the best friend he could have ever wished for but he couldn’t pretend he’d ever been anything close to that for her.

She had offered up everything she had to help him, and he let her, and then he left her to deal with the consequences. He’d used her and her kindness and then never even thought about checking on her to ensure she wasn’t dead.

That’s not love.

It’s not friendship either.

People have often accused him of being unfeeling and that’s not true at all. Perhaps if they knew the truth of Hawkmoth they’d realise that. They’re not completely wrong though either. Wearing a brooch that lets you feel the emotions of Paris makes it clear that he _doesn’t_ feel quite like other people, and today is the real proof of that.

He did value Nathalie. He’d appreciated everything she did for him. For all he’d dismissed it earlier he’d trusted her to keep his secrets. He’d often been impressed by her as Mayura. In the small reserves left over after Emilie and Adrien he’d even had affection for her in his own way, but the truth of the matter is, that all of that isn’t very much really. Soldiers in war zones probably feel like that about bomb disposal robots.

Nathalie had deserved more than that. She deserved someone other than him in this room. She deserved someone who loved her.

He’d been selfish pulling her into his fight. Perhaps if he hadn’t then she might have been able to make a life for herself, instead of having to hide his secrets. Especially when the it had all been for nothing, and if he’d just spoken to his son earlier _like Nathalie had asked him to,_ then they could have had Emilie back sooner without all of this.

Yet while he regrets that, he knows that if he had the chance to go back in time, and was told this was the only way to rescue his wife he’d make every choice all over again.

“I’m sorry.” Said Marinette. “Do you want to give it to her anyway?”

“What’s the point?”

“It’s not what it should be. It won’t _save_ her, but I think it will still help her.”

“Help her how?”

“You could have the chance to say goodbye.”

That seems pointless. It wouldn’t change any of their reality. It won’t change his guilt.

Nathalie had made it pretty clear that she didn’t want them to see her like that, otherwise she wouldn’t have hid it like she did. Waking her up to tell her he hadn’t given her that seems cruel, and he’s not _unnecessarily_ cruel.

Unless if Nathalie had been trying to be kind by sparing them the role of watching them die then maybe she would actually like a goodbye. He wishes Emilie was closer to recovery than she was. She’d know what to do.

“Is she in pain?” He asked Marinette. “If it could help with that, then go ahead. Otherwise I don’t see much point dragging out her suffering.”

The potion bubbled and seemed to go a shade darker than it had been before.

Marinette looked thoughtful. “It works on the donor’s desires, so if sparing her from pain is the thing you want most I think it might work.“

He’d like to have thought he didn’t want her to die, but apparently he obviously didn’t want that deeply enough.

* * *

Working out how to give Nathalie the potion was difficult. She wasn’t particularly aware, and whether she’d even be able to swallow seemed unclear.

Eventually he’d sat down beside her on the bed resting against her headboard and pulled her up to rest against him so she was upright enough to have a chance.

Marinette looked uncomfortable at Nathalie’s noises of discomfort and weak attempts to push him away but he ignored them. Hesitating would have only dragged things out for longer.

While he held his hand out for Marinette to give the potion, Nathalie’s eyes fluttered open. She croaked out something that could have been his name but it was difficult to tell.

She kept her mouth firmly closed when he held the bottle to her lips.

“Come on Nathalie.” He encouraged her, “this is supposed to help you.”

He’d always admired her stubbornness before.

When her lips finally parted slightly he took his chance and poured what he could in. Thankfully she didn’t choke.

He still wasn’t sure it would even do anything but the magic worked faster than any normal medicine. He felt Nathalie’s breathing slow down against him. Her eyelids had shut again, but her face had relaxed, losing the tension in it he hadn’t noticed had been there until now.

He had been wrong earlier. _This_ was what a natural sleep looked like not whatever pain filled trance she’d been in earlier.

That anything had happened was something of a relief. Until he’d felt her relax against him he’d still worried that maybe it might do nothing. Or perhaps that his desire to spare her pain would just kill her quicker. That seemed fitting for any potion contaminated with him. 

Still, he couldn’t help but wish he could offer her more than this.


End file.
